A Late Night Pact With Myself

Photo by Lucas Hoang on Unsplash

Last night, I crawled into bed exhausted. Two hours later, as my watch showed 2am, I found myself wide awake and unable to sleep, with a nagging urge to reignite an old habit.

Fellow millennials and elder millennials may know of this long lost habit, of blogging and writing — the days past of xanga. I may not have that site now, but the practice of blogging and essaying is something I need to revive.

I’ve realized that I have a hundred reasons not to do something but rarely convince myself that I should, so today, that is something I’d like to change.

Today, I write.

And, hopefully, this reboot is better and more sustained than the original. To be clear, this isn’t a new year’s resolution because, well, that’s the best way for me to not follow through. This compelling need to write is more of an awakening after a series of trips and reflections I’ve gone through over the last few months that have sparked something. And I owe it to myself to cultivate.

Will I ever have the discipline of my past teenage self? Unlikely… highly unlikely.

Once upon a time, I’d religiously come home and spend my afternoons jotting down thoughts, sharing my innermost feelings, and hitting publish with some screen name that some knew but most didn’t. It was both liberating and terrifying — but it did help me exercise something I now struggle with as an adult — sharing ideas even if I’m not sure they’re new, unique, or worth sharing. As a teenager, it never phased me (odd, I know — but it got me this far). At times, it’d come back to me because I got too vulnerable — so I’d pull back. I think the mistake I hope to undo now is that I pulled back way too much.

Now, I find myself questioning if I’m original enough or funny enough or formal enough or clear enough — and quickly lose all motivation and clarity and lately, even language. I immediately doubt myself, my knowledge, and my ideas — and I then question whether there’s a “there there” to even pursue. I stop, I ruminate, and then I forget. THAT is what needs to change. Too much life happens for me to forget, to not learn, and to not grow along the way. I believe that sharing is a way to do this authentically, to hold myself accountable, and maybe if we’re lucky — build connections in a world that continues to break them.

SO… 2024 is here, and well, I’m in. My manifesto (cause again, we’re not doing a resolution) is to lean in, remember who I am, and trust that this is good enough.

1. No more self doubt in this space. Hopefully this confidence I’m molding will spread as I reform this one habit. Fearlessness FTW.
2. Work, play, life — all of it is fair game. Honestly, it’s the only way for me to get out of my own way. From musings to professional experiences to reflections, it all goes. While some say you can’t build for everyone, and to get clear on you and your audience and build for them. Welp, my purpose is to own ideas and trust that writing into a void can, at a minimum, help me — and my audience is the universe. If you’re a part of that universe, welcome — join me in the stars, the view is great and we get to dream as big as we want.
3. Be my own champion. I’m sure we’re all aware of the reality that if we were to be hit by a bus, most places would manage to replace us immediately. We’re expendable but we work and stress as if we aren’t. So here, piece by piece, I start prioritizing the things that capitalism might suggest I shouldn’t: ME. It’s time for my ideas, my goals, my priorities. If I can do it here, perhaps I can start to do this across my life.
4. Champion the brilliance around me. I’m surrounded by incredibly brilliant and fierce people (many many many women) and we co-create and grow ideas together often. Then we disperse and muddle through on our own and as our cup empties, we agree to come back together. So this space is to plant a flag each time some brilliance forms — not for me, but to honor those around me who push me every day.
5. Acknowledge worth more often than accepting complacency. Society…humanity…this world… we’re not in a good place. My cynicism runs rampant as I navigate it and though others have shared that I’m pragmatic, I tend to think pessimism runs my life. I laugh my way through really crummy things until the pendulum swings and I rage my way through other things. Self deprecation gets my far. Along the way, I forget about things that matter. Here — here we change that.

And so, as I stand here after almost a full month of travel that has helped me look inward, I now turn my attention to sharing ideas, putting pen to paper, and doing this with commitment and conviction.

I recognize the doubts will creep in at times. The questions of whether my words offer value, whether I have wisdom worth imparting, or if anyone will even read these text-based ponderings in today’s flashy multimedia world are ever-present.

But by writing this here, I will also remember why I’ve started this endeavor in the first place — for clarity, for creativity, for growth. Writing helps crystallize the ideas swirling in my mind. It helps me process life experiences and tap into my authentic voice. And it pushes me to stay true to my goals, rather than get complacent.

This blog marks a small start. But by embracing vulnerability and consistency, I aim for this writing ritual to slowly transform into something more profound. Perhaps someday, these writings will form a book worthy of publishing (ha!). Perhaps, it will spark inspiring conversations with readers I’ve yet to meet. More likely, though, this will simply help me reflect and begin to build my next steps with intention.

Whatever comes, I welcome you to join me on this journey of revived habit. Let’s see where this revived writing ritual takes me, how it grows my work — and where our collective journey goes together.